As 2016 comes to a close it’s time to look back on a year of Magical storytelling. This week we’re going to do something a bit different and go through all 35 planeswalkers listed on the official guide and catch you up on what they’ve been up to this year. Those who have been naughty will rightfully get Coal Golems sent to their home this holiday season while those who have been nice will rightfully get caught up in Gideon Jura‘s latest do-gooder scheme and get themselves eaten by Eldrazi (or worse).
Before you get started, make sure you check out part one if you haven’t already.
Without further ado, we hope you enjoy the conclusion of this year’s official Naughty or Nice Planeswalker guide!
Liliana Vess [Nice]
Has anyone been nicer than Liliana this year? She helped Jace whenever possible even though he’s annoying as hell. She joined the Gatewatch to save them from themselves. She took Chandra shopping on her home plane. She helped Nissa realize who she doesn’t want to be. She threw a bazillion zombies at Emrakul when she could have just bailed on the entire plane of Innistrad.
Liliana Vess is a goddamned saint and y’all better remember that when you’re sending her gifts this year. She likes Mox Diamonds.
Nahiri, the Lithomancer [Nice]
Nahiri gave us something we haven’t had in a very long time. Not since Freyalise has the Magic story had a female planeswalker who is a bad-ass, take-no-prisoners, burn-everything-to-the-ground villain. Freyalise gave zero crap about what happened to the people who got in the way of her and her eternal mission to defend her forests. Nahiri is cut from the same mold and she’s probably not going to stop until everyone who has wronged her has paid dearly. She’s the John Wick of the Multiverse. Don’t piss her off. Get her a Sword of Fire and Ice for the holidays.
Narset [Nice]
Thank you Wizards of the Coast for your continued work to improve representation of people from all walks of life among the cast of Planeswalkers traveling the multiverse. Narset is cerebral and thoughtful in a way that Jace and Tamiyo can only fantasize about and she’s focused on her inner-self in a way that would make Tilda Swinton’s white-washing performance as The Ancient One bow down at Narset’s feet and beg for that level of enlightenmnet. Thanks Narset.
Nicol Bolas [Naughty]
I have no idea what Nicol Bolas is up to but there’s no safer bet in the multiverse that it’s naughty by nature (yes, that pun pleases me).
Nissa Revane [Nice]
The other native Zendikari planeswalker in our story has come a long way since she unwittingly released the Eldrazi titans on her home world thanks to the meddling of Sorin Markov. Now, as a member of the Gatewatch, Nissa is a constant window for all of us into the struggle we all face when confronted with trying to help our friends in a way that won’t make them hate us. Nissa wants what’s best for everyone but she’s so socially awkward it can be painful at times to even speak. The writers at Wizards have nailed Nissa’s character as a reflection of the community’s own social anxiety.
Also, Ashaya.
Ob Nixilis [Naughty]
See Bolas, Nicol. Again, no idea what this demon-planeswalker is up to but there’s literally no way it’s anything that anyone would describe as nice.
Ral Zarek [Nice]
All Ral Zarek wants for Christmas is the Guildpact wearing a midnight blue speedo and for that the multiverse is a better place. Sure, Ral’s love for Jace may not be “canon,” whatever that means, but we can all read between the lines when he scolds Jace for going off-world. It’s not that he doesn’t like that Jace is off saving the multiverse, it’s that he’s sad when Jace isn’t around.
Ral/Jace 100%. Sure, Jace is in love with Liliana, but he should really give some time to the planeswalker that has shown time and time again that he cares. Here’s hoping Ral finds true love in his stocking this holiday season.
Saheeli [Nice]
First. Indian. Planeswalker.
Sometimes I wonder how these things take so long but I’m happy regardless. 2016 brought us our first Black planeswalker and our first Indian planeswalker and both of them are women. Things are looking up every day. Also, Saheeli’s metal-manipulation in the style of classic X-Men villain Magneto gives the Gatewatch a very versatile character.
Sarkhan Vol [Naughty]
The last time planeswalkers time traveled it almost tore the multiverse apart. I don’t know that Sarkhan’s meddling on Tarkir has had similar effects, but I don’t know that it hasn’t. I’m going to err on the cautious side.
Sorin Markov [Naughty]
Dude. Dude. Duuuuuuuuuuuuude.
How the hell could you lock up Nahiri in the Helvault like that?
Duuuuuuude.
You totally had this coming. Enjoy being a wall.
Tamiyo [Nice]
Tamiyo runs an orphanage on Kamigawa and also helps organize a multi-planar group of librarians and scholars. That’s phenomenal. I’m am completely enamored by planeswalkers who aren’t necessarily out there trying to amass more power or be a hero. Tamiyo’s scholarly work is phenomenal and I would love to read more about her adventures collecting stories from the multiverse.
Teferi [Naughty]
It’s been over 300 years but I haven’t forgiven you for ducking out and hiding when the Invasion began. Urza would also be here not forgiving you but HE DIED FIGHTING YAWGMOTH BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO MUCH OF A COWARD TO FIGHT.
Thanks for the Mending, I guess.
Tezzeret [Nice]
We all enjoyed your inventor’s fair. See you next year!
Tibalt [???]
Who is this again? Can someone remind me what a Tibalt is? Are they naughty? nice? in-between? I really jut don’t know, sorry.
Ugin, the Spirit Dragon [Naughty]
How could you let the Eldrazi escape, again? Maybe if someone spent less time being so damned cryptic and would just tell people what’s really going on we could avoid these potentially-cataclysmic events the multiverse seems to keep experiencing. Next time you have an opportunity to tell us what’s up, DO SO.
Venser [Naughty]
Still dead, huh? Way to go, buddy.
Vraska [Nice]
It’s nice knowing there’s a planeswalking gorgon who is out there hunting down Jace Beleren because frankly that guy has everything handed to him on a silver platter. Thanks for keeping him in check, Vraska.
Xenagos [Nice]
In 2016, Xenagos the power-hungry satyr managed to restrain himself from trying to destroy any planes. Well done Xenagos. We’re all very proud that you’ve kicked the habit of mass destruction and seem to be keeping up with your promise to never do it again. Let’s see if you can keep it up in 2017!
And that’s all for this week! Join us next week for the top stories of 2016!
What We Learned is a weekly feature here at Hipsters of the Coast written by former amateur Magic Player Rich Stein, who came really close to making day two of a Grand Prix on several occasions. Each week we will take a look at the past seven days of major events, big news items, and community happenings so that you can keep up-to-date on all the latest and greatest Magic: the Gathering community news.