This week I’m proud to present the first in a new series of Hipsters of the Coast Set Reviews. It is fitting that Origins is the debut set because it means it’s the originator in the series. Hope that wasn’t too obvious for you. Set reviews are often boring, wrong, or both boring and wrong simultaneously. This is not your usual set review. Without further adieu we bring you:

The Definitive Guide to Magic Origins

Below you will find commentary for every single card in Magic Origins. Specifically this is commentary about why every single card in Magic Origins is terrible. That’s right, they’re all bad. Even the planeswalkers. I don’t care that they have two sides. They’re terrible and it was a waste of ink to put another card on the back. Think of all the ink that could have been saved by printing more San Diego Comic Com exclusives instead?

Anyways, following the commentary will be a rating that may or may not be in the form of one of the below cards. This is referred to as a card’s Troll Rating. This is kind of like assigning a grade to a card in that I put it there in case you can’t be bothered to actually read anything I wrote and just want my final assessment.

  • Pygmy Troll – Complete garbage. I wouldn’t even waste the effort to rip this card in half. Just leave it wherever you found it and walk away slowly.
  • Sea Troll – What were they thinking when they made this card? No one would play this and expect to be taken seriously.
  • Cudgel Troll – I guess this is a card, but only in the strictest sense considering it is a physical piece of cardboard I am holding in my hand.
  • Horned Troll – This is borderline playable if literally every other card in your sealed pool is unplayable.
  • Uthden Troll – The same as Horned Troll but in red.
  • Thrun, the Last Troll – This is a good card. None of the cards in this set have this rating.
  • Troll [Ice: Sentry] – What? You’re not even playing the right game!

White

  • Akroan Jailer – Wizards starts off strong with a solid troll-job by taking a perfectly playable card in Goldmeadow Harrier and turning it into this junk. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Ampryn Tactician – As far as tactics go it would be nice if this one also let you block. Strictly worse than Glorious Charge unless you really need a 3/3 for 4 mana. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Anointer of Champions – Does no one block anymore? First tacticians and now champions. How are these soldiers and knights ever going to defend if everyone is encouraging them to attack? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Archangel of Tithes – This is the angel of taxes. Wouldn’t you be pissed if you were up in heaven and some deity is handing out jobs and it’s like “Okay you can be in charge of sunshine and you can be in charge of rainbows and, oh, it’s you, you can be in charge of taxes.” Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Auramancer – There are 27 enchantments in this set and only 8 of them are common (another 9 are uncommon). So I guess enjoy recurring Infernal Scarring? Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Aven Battle Priest – Who knew gaining three life could result in such an absurd casting cost. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Blessed Spirits – Combos with Auramancer! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Celestial Flare – Combat tricks where your opponent gets to make a decision tend not to be very tricky but if your opponent only has one creature, well you were probably doing okay anyways. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Charging Griffin – If this creature was an athlete it would be benched for refusing to play defense. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Cleric of the Forward Order – Wait, so life gain isn’t that good now? Development really needs to make up their mind about life gain on 2/2’s versus 3/3 fliers. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Consul’s Lieutenant – Oh hey, it’s that one uncommon that you need to tie together your crappy white weenie deck and if you just open one in your third pack you’ll be fine except you don’t so you end up going 0-3 in draft. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Enlightened Ascetic – How does a set with only 8 common enchantments have so many cards that care about enchantments? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Enshrouding Mist – Finally!  A defense trick! Wait, no, what are you doing? Don’t cast it on your attacker! Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Gideon’s Phalanx – Seven mana used to get you Plague Wind. Now it gets you a couple knights who block really well for one turn. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Grasp of the Hieromancer – Oh look! It’s one of those enchantments every other card keeps talking about. Put it on your Blessed Spirits and recur it with your Auramancer when your opponent kills it with Enlightened Ascetic. Or don’t, if you want to win games. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Hallowed Moonlight – Take that, Dragon Fodder. Oh, I guess this is meant to hose constructed decks. I guess you can take comfort telling yourself that when this is one of the six rares in your pool at a Grand Prix. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Healing Hands – On a scale of one to Healing Salve, how good is this life-gain spell? The answer is: don’t play life-gain spells. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Heavy Infantry – It’s another offensive card in the guise of a defensive card! Attack! ATTACK! Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Hixus, Prison Warden – Obligatory “dies to removal” comment. Seriously though, you have to let your opponent actually connect, then remove the creatures only to have them return when your opponent inevitably kills Hixus. Seems like a good “trick.” Troll Level: Sea Troll

  • Knight of the Pilgrim’s Road – Look at me! I’m another white creature that can’t defend! What is going on here? Is white’s philosophy in this set taken from the New York Giants’ O-Line? (Zing!) Troll Level: Eli Manning
  • Knight of the White Orchid – That awkward moment when you decide to play first and this is in your opening hand. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Knightly Valor – Yes! Another boost for my Blessed Spirits! Another target for Enlightened Ascetic! First pick! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Kytheon, Hero of Akros // Gideon, Battle-Forged – I guess it’s a good thing we’re all-in on this attack-first-defend-never plan because Gideon has absolutely no defensive plan whatsoever. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll

  • Kytheon’s Irregulars – The irregular part is that this is the only white creature that actually has a plan for defense. Oh wait, it’s actually trying to just clear a path for attacking. Sigh. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Kytheon’s Tactics – The flavor of this card is great. Kytheon’s tactic is to attack blindly. Then, when he wisens up a bit he realizes maybe he should have had a plan for defense. Maybe. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Mighty Leap – For use when you realize you should have planned for defense because you have no answers to your opponent’s fliers. YOLO. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Murder Investigation – If only there was a way to recur this and use it twice! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Patron of the Valiant – Wait, this is a 4/4 flier for 5, but that other creature was a 3/3 for 6. Is it so much to ask Wizards for a consistent policy in the ratio of power and toughness to mana cost on fliers across rarities?! This is about ethics, you know. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Relic Seeker – That look when your sealed pool has two of these and no equipment cards. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Sentinel of the Eternal Watch – Finally! On turn six we can start playing defense! No wait, we have to cast that 3/3 flier and gain 3 life before we die next turn. Shucks. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Sigil of the Empty Throne – Oh man, the hits just keep coming. Eight common enchantments. That’s all I’ve got. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Stalwart Aven – So loyal he has to run off and attack your opponent leaving your defenses down so he can get himself some renown. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN WE NEEDED YOU TO DEFEND?! Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Starfield of Nyx – You’ll never be Replenish. You’ll never be Opalescence. Heck, you’ll never even be Open the Vaults. Troll Level: Sea Troll

  • Suppression Bonds – I guess the gain 4 life clause on Faith’s Fetters was just too good, huh? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Swift Reckoning – Another great example of being reckless until you learn defense. Seriously kids. Learn to play defense. This isn’t the D5 Ducks here. Troll Level: Gordon Bombay
  • Topan Freeblade – How many french vanilla creatures can we make with Rewnown? Said Shawn Main during a design meeting. The answer: lots. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Totem-Guide Hartebeest – As if it wasn’t bad enough that there are so few enchantments in this set, there are even fewer auras. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Tragic Arrogance – Way to get all your friends killed Kytheon. I mean Gideon. Now you’re a Greek Akroan tragedy! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Valor in Akros – Apparently there’s no valor in defending Akros which explains why it gets attacked so often. I bet they know how to defend in Meletis. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Vryn Wingmare – It’s amazing how the one extra colorless mana will make this completely unplayable compared to Thalia, Guardian of Thraben. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • War Oracle – More life gain! More attacking! For the renown! Need the renown! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Yoked Ox – Finally, someone who can defend properly. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll

Blue

  • Alhammarret, High Arbiter – Perfect. Just so long as your opponent never has two removal spells with different names… Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Anchor to the Aether – Now that Scry is evergreen we get to look forward to seeing it attached to pretty much everything else in the game. Getting to cost every Scry effect was probably like Christmas for the development team. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Artificer’s Epiphany – Wizards has such a great track record of fixing broken blue spells like Thirst For Knowledge that I’m sure this one will either be terrible or banned in Legacy. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Aspiring Aeronaut – This artificer should aspire to be something with better power and toughness for 4 mana. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Bone to Ash – The name for this card should have been used on a burn spell. I mean, what kind of counterspell incinerates bones? That sounds like Chandra. Not Jace. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Calculated Dismissal – Because Mana Leak is a card that needed a “fixed” version, and we also want to put Scry on everything. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Clash of Wills – Seriously. Enough with the counterspells. You’re teaching bad habits to new players. Troll Level: Durdle Turtle
  • Claustrophobia – Ah, blue gets in on the action with that enchantment deck you wish you never drafted. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Day’s Undoing – Wizards spent the first 15 years making broken blue cards and they’ll spend the next 15 trying to fix every single one of them. This is fixed in the sense that Timetwister was spayed and neutered. Troll Level: Sea Troll

  • Deep-Sea Terror – A creature that can’t attack unless a condition is met maybe doesn’t actually qualify as a “terror.” Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Disciple of the Ring – One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. Troll Level: Gandalf the Gray White
  • Disperse – Remember playing Boomerang on turn two? That was when Magic was for the strong and not the weak-willed who can’t handle having their first land bounced and being two turns behind and oh, yeah those days sucked. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Displacement Wave – On today’s episode of Fixing Broken Blue Spells we have Upheaval. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Dreadwaters – Obligatory mill spell for the people who insist on forcing mill no matter what format they’re playing. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Faerie Miscreant – Strictly better than Flying Men. Strictly worse than all the other cards in your sealed pool unless you have five or six of these and then they’re still bad. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Harbinger of Tides – Let me see if I can fix that first line. You may cast put Harbinger of Tides into play as though it had flash if you pay 2 more to cast it control Aether Vial. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Hydrolash – You see white decks, you should have played defense. You just got blown out by this garbage uncommon. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Jace, Vryn’s Prodigy // Jace, Telepath Unbound – I didn’t actually read this card but since it doesn’t end in “The Mind-Sculptor” I just assumed it wasn’t playable. Troll Level: RTFC

  • Jace’s Sanctum – If cards like Serum Visions, Manamorphose, and Gitaxian Probe didn’t already exist then maybe, just maybe, this card would be borderline… no, who am I kidding. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Jhessian Thief – She apparently stole all of Ophidian‘s value. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Maritime Guard – Not sure what they’re guarding but they could learn a lesson or two about defending from Yoked Ox. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Mizzium Medler – The look on your opponent’s face when you redirect their aura and remind them they shouldn’t have played auras to begin with. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Negate – Can we at least get some new art for this card? Seriously, it’s been printed a hundred times with this art. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Nivix Barrier – That’s some All-Pro level defending right there. Maybe four mana is a bit much but can you really put a price on solid defense? Troll Level: Rex Ryan
  • Psychic Rebuttal – That seems unnecessarily narrow in target selection. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Ringwarden Owl – Finally, after 20 years of having to put up with Serra Angel, blue gets the five-mana flying creature it always deserved. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Scrapskin Drake – Can’t block creatures without flying? Or won’t block creatures without flying. Scrapskin Drake really needs to get an attitude readjustment. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Screeching Skaab – It can enable spell mastery if you put some instants and sorceries in your graveyard you thought to yourself before flipping over your bomb rares and then conceding the game. Troll level: Pygmy Troll
  • Send to Sleep – I’m actually shocked they didn’t slap Scry on this one as well. Now that Scry’s evergreen we can ask why every single spell doesn’t have it. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Separatist Voidmage – Did Man-o’-War really need to cost one more mana? What have we done to deserve this? Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Sigiled Starfish – This is probably the greatest card in the history of cards ever and if you don’t draft it first pick you have no clue how to draft. Troll Level: Hugh Kramer
  • Skaab Goliath – While we’re on the topic of terrible six-mana creatures without evasion… Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Soulblade Djinn – Did you know that the reason this doesn’t have a Prowess trigger is because it would break MTGO? Thanks MTGO. Troll Level: Fire Worth

  • Sphinx’s Tutelage – More mill spells for the mill deck players! How can anyone beat that deck? Bonus sub-theme of enchantments! Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Stratus Walk – I didn’t realize they could make a worse aura than the original Flight. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Talent of the Telepath – If the telepath was so talented he would just search his opponent’s deck for the spell he wanted to cast. Bonus for enabling your opponent’s Spell Master and/or Delve spells. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Thopter Spy Network – The name for this card sounds like a terrible home shopping channel on TV. “You thought one Thopter was a steal, but if you call in the next five minutes you’ll get two for the price of one!” Troll Level: Billy Mays
  • Tower Geist – So they were slapping Scry effects on every card but decided to reprint Sleight of Hand on a body so they could do what exactly? Enable Spell Mastery? Yikes. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Turn to Frog – I hope someone got paid to write that flavor text. Money well spent. Not like Wizards has any digital products worth investing in. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Watercourser – Every time I look at this card I think it’s Water Wurm which is enough to count this as terrible in my book. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Whirler Rogue – It’s like a 2/2 creature that can’t be blocked except it also supports shenanigans so you can totally mess everything up. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Willbreaker – If only most of the spells and abilities to go with this weren’t removal… Troll Level: Horned Troll

Black

  • Blightcaster – There’s that great enchantment sub-theme again! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Catacomb Slug – Is this checking off some box on the list of vanilla power & toughness combinations? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Consecrated by Blood – Goes great with the rest of your five-color enchantments-matter deck. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Cruel Revival – Why can’t Liliana destroy zombies? I mean, you’d think it would just be a flick of the wrist, no? Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Dark Dabbling – I guess they felt Scry would be too good on a card this weak? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Dark Petition – I never thought I would miss Diabolic Tutor. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Deadbridge Shaman – At least it will die quickly, I guess? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Demonic Pact – Uh… goes great with that enchantment… deck.. oh it’s the fourth turn. Good game. Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Despoiler of Souls – At least it’s brazen about its refusal to play defense. Not sure how it’s going to live long enough to despoil anyone’s soul though. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Erebos’s Titan – Fun Fact: Peter Mohrbacher who drew the art for this card recently wrote a scathing blog about how Wizards of the Coast treats their artists like second-class citizens! Troll Level: Viva la Revolution!
  • Eyeblight Assassin – The poor man’s poor man’s Nekrataal. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Eyeblight Massacre – It’s so much fun to go back to Lorwyn where the Elves are evil! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Fetid Imp – This imp stinks. Troll Level: Odious Trow
  • Fleshbag Marauder – Combos with Deadbridge Shaman in case you needed a way to kill it off. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Gilt-Leaf Winnower – There is nothing more genuine than the racist, hypocrite politicians elves of the South Lorwyn. Troll Level: The GOP Presidential Candidate Field
  • Gnarlroot Trapper – It’s an inverse version of Elves of Deep Shadow but with the added benefit of racism! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Graveblade Marauder – Just say no to needlessly complex combat decisions and kill this creature as soon as possible. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Infernal Scarring – Combo breaker with the enchantment sub-theme, the Deadbridge Shaman, and the Fleshbag Marauder. Troll Level: #winning
  • Infinite Obliteration – This effect has never really been that great before so I guess we can try it out at three mana instead of four? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Kothophed, Soul Hoarder – Seems like a good way to get yourself killed after your opponent plays Claustrophobia and triggers all their enchantment synergy. Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Macabre Waltz – How big of a Raise Dead can we make? Three creatures? All creatures? Double or nothing? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Malakir Cullblade – Too bad it’s not an elf to combo with the new elf massacre. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Nantuko Husk – Black really doesn’t want its creatures to stick around. Welcome to Magic Origins where every draft deck is a combo deck! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Necromantic Summons – Remember when this effect was constructed-playable? I miss you, Zombify. Troll Level: Brainssss…
  • Nightsnare – Long have we waited for the Duress spell that would do something when your opponent was just holding lands. I mean, why isn’t this just Duress? Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Priest of the Blood Rite – If only there was a way to sacrifice your own creatures… Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Rabid Bloodsucker – Nothing is more exciting than using a creature like this to draw a game. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Read the Bones – Making Scry evergreen pretty much guarantees we won’t see Sign in Blood again for a long time. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Reave Soul – Destroy target creature that isn’t Siege Rhino. Sucker. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Returned Centaur – Mill yourself so you can then use Necromantic Summons! Do it! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Revenant – When this card was last printed in a standard-legal set, the Billboard #1 song on the hot 100 was Butterfly by Crazy Town. Troll Level: Sugar, Baby.
  • Shadows of the Past – Now you can kill your own creatures for fun and profit! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Shambling Ghoul – Magic needs some of those athletic, sprinting zombies from the George Romero films. Enough of these shamblers. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Tainted Remedy – Ah, the moment where everything went downhill for Liliana and everything went uphill for people who like playing Liliana of the Veil. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll

  • Thornbow Archer – More racist elves! Give me more! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Tormented Thoughts – We’re really pouring it on with the self-sacrifice theme. We get it, black mages will do anything to win. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Touch of Moonglove – Why just use a touch? Why not a moonglove bath? Where’s Drown in Moonglove? Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Undead Servant – First pick in your Nantuko Husk deck! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Unholy Hunger – As Liliana got better at destroying creatures she also got better at adding completely useless bonus abilities to her spells. Seriously, we couldn’t get Scry on this as the Spell Mastery bonus? Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Weight of the Underworld – One word: Auramancer. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll

Red

  • Abbot of Keral Keep – If the average card in your deck costs two mana to play then this is a weird card to have to wait until turn four to play and then you exiled your bomb rare oh well. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Acolyte of the Inferno – Better hope none of your opponent’s blockers have more than two toughness. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Act of Treason – And then give the creature back. No, come on now, you know the rules, you have to give it back so your opponent can kill you with it next turn. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Akroan Sargeant – Another tick on the checklist of french vanilla renown creatures. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Avaricious Dragon – 1. Play Avaricious Dragon. 2. Discard your hand. 3. Opponent kills Dragon. 4. Flip Table. Troll Level: Uthden Troll

  • Chandra’s Fury – Does not let you flip Chandra, Fire of Kaladesh. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Chandra’s Ignition – Does let you flip Chandra, Fire of Kaladesh. Get it? Troll Level: Vorthos
  • Cobblebrute – This is here to teach those white mages that they should have played defense. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Demolish – I assume Wizards is under contractual obligation to reprint this card in every core set. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Dragon Fodder – The flavor text seems off here. Why wouldn’t the dragon eat both goblins? Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Embermaw Hellion – If you have two of these in play then Chandra will flip with a single activation! Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Enthralling Victor – Don’t stare directly at Victor or you’re very likely to miss your opponent drawing all those extra cards. Troll Level: Brad Pitt

  • Exquisite Firecraft – At first I laughed off the spell mastery bonus but then I realized this set has a hundred counterspells in it. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Fiery Conclusion – Combos with Deadbridge Shaman and by combos I mean sends your opponent into a fit of giggles. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Fiery Impulse – Early in the game you can kill small creatures and then you can kill big creatures but you surprisingly never get the “impulse” to blast your opponent in the face. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Firefiend Elemental – When your opponent taps all their creatures leaving no blockers and you play this guy. Troll Level: Surprise!
  • Flameshadow Conjuring – Non-token? What am I gonna do with the ten copies of Dragon Fodder I drafted?! Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Ghirapur Aether Grid – Wizards was worried you wouldn’t realize you should draft artifact creatures so they made this card to drive the message home. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Ghirapur Gear Crafter – All these 1/1 thopter tokens are going to be awful if my opponent opened a Languish. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Goblin Glory Chaser – Mulligan any opening hand that is missing this creature or you’ll kick yourself when you draw it on turn 12. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Goblin Piledriver – Anyone who tells you this card is good was probably playing Magic ten years ago which was the only time this was ever a true statement. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Infectious Bloodlust – That five-color enchantment deck we’ve been working on just got way better! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Lightning Javelin – Now you know how likely it is that Lightning Bolt is ever coming back to Standard. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Mage-Ring Bully – You’ll eventually run out of spells to trigger Prowess but so long as your opponent doesn’t know that I’m sure you’ll be fine. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Magmatic Insight – Probably not the most optimal turn-one play so maybe swap it with your Goblin Glory Chaser if you can. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Molten Vortex – Where did this sudden “discard a land” theme come from? This is lenticular design to the max which means you have no idea what I’m talking about. Troll Level: Mark Rosewater

  • Pia and Kiran Nalaar – When you play this on turn four and your opponent untaps and casts Languish. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Prickleboar – I wonder if in some regions of the underworld on Theros you can get Prickleboar bacon? Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Ravaging Blaze – Why just set the creature on fire when you can set everyone on fire, Chandra finally learned after about 10 minutes of setting things on fire. Troll Level: The Roof is on Fire
  • Scab-Clan Berserker – This is pretty much all the evidence that Bloodthirst is never coming back because Renown is strictly better. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Seismic Elemental – For added flavor, when you play this creature slam it on the table as hard as possible. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Skywaker Giant – Yes, they put reach on a red creature. Get over it. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Smash to Smithereens – Just in case your opponent has all those thopter tokens threatening to kill you. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Subterranean Scout – Goblin Piledriver is so bad these days they had to print this card just to enable it. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Thopter Engineer – This limited format has a lot of linear combo decks I guess. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Titan’s Strength – They should replace the model in this art with Enthralling Victor. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Volcanic Rambler – Rambler? So it just kinda walks around without a direct route? Uh, okay. Troll Level: Led Zeppelin

Green

  • Aerial Volley – Just shoot upwards and hope you hit something. “What if the arrows come back down and hit us?” Like I said, hope you hit something. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Animist’s Awakening – Where was this spell when I needed to cast Emrakul in Modern Masters? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Caustic Caterpillar – Just in case you get paired against five-color enchantments. That deck is brutal. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Conclave Naturalists – No really, you have to be prepared for the five-color enchantment deck. Look out. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Dwynen, Gilt-Leaf Daen – More elf lords for the elf decks while my werewolf deck gets no love. Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Dwynen’s Elite – For elite elves they aren’t much better than goblin fodder. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Elemental Bond – This is called a “win-more” effect and that’s all the strategy/theory talk you’ll get from me today. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Elvish Visionary – People love this card because it replaces itself but really you’re just left with a 1/1 elf. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Evolutionary Leap – I was sick of Grafdigger’s Cage messing up my Birthing Pod so now I don’t have to worry! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Gaea’s Revenge – Good thing we can get around all those counterspells blue is packing. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Gather the Pack – Apparently this card is “call a friend” until you get spell mastery, then it’s “gather a pack.” Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Herald of the Pantheon – The lynch-pin of the five-color enchantment deck. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Hitchclaw Recluse – Those thopter tokens are gonna have a bad time. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Honored Hierarch – What are the odds you’ll ever trigger renown on this after turn two? Actually, I don’t want to know. Troll Level: Noble Hierarch

  • Joraga Invocation – Remember when Overrun was an uncommon and now it costs more mana and isn’t half as good. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Leaf Gilder – We now live in a world where Llanowar Elves are too powerful. Think about that. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Llanowar Empath – Speaking of Llanowar, it’s good to be back on Dominaria before we turned it into a desolate wasteland. Troll Level: The Mending
  • Managorger Hydra – Hydras are green’s iconic creature. So they’re like dragons. But, obviously not as good. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Mantle of Webs – More fodder for Blessed Spirits. This deck is going to rule. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Might of the Masses – I always felt that what Giant Growth was missing was a ton of variance. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Nissa, Vastwood Seer // Nissa, Sage Animist – That ultimate is going to end games, but how long is it going to take to get there? Forever. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll

  • Nissa’s Pilgrimage – Okay I guess that will help get you one turn closer to flipping Nissa and zero turns closer to activating her ultimate. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Nissa’s Revelation – There’s a lot going on with this card but it costs seven mana and doesn’t win you the game. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Orchard Spirit – Couldn’t you have just given it flying while attacking? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Outland Colossus – Probably the only renown trigger you’re likely to see in the late game. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Pharika’s Disciple – Just checking off the french vanilla renown checklist. I’ve almost got Bingo! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Reclaim – In case your Auramancer gets countered. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Rhox Maulers – Best common in the set. Also, BINGO! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Skysnare Spider – Six mana, Six power, Six toughness. I’m not falling for this trick. Troll Level: Number of the Beast
  • Somberwald Alpha – It’s not like anyone around here is playing defense anyways. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Sylvan Messenger – Even the elves from other planes are racists. Lorwyn isn’t unique. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • The Great Aurora – This costs nine mana so that it never, ever, ever sees tournament play. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll

  • Timberpack Wolf – Have fun fighting for these with every other green drafter at the table. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Titanic Growth – Oh good, it’s Giant Growth without the variance. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Undercity Troll – The only actually troll on this list. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Valeron Wardens – Clearly what renown needed was a lord. Where is my werewolf lord?! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Vastwood Gorger – These six-mana creatures are just more and more disappointing all the time. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Vine Snare – It’s Fog for creatures that weren’t going to do much damage anyways? Weird. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Wild Instincts – I feel like there is a ton of design space for the fight mechanic and this card doesn’t do anything remotely interesting. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Woodland Bellower – Soon to be the premier way to put Tarmogoyf into play. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Yeva’s Forcemage – I guess there are worse things you can get with a 3-mana green creature. No, wait, this is the worst one in the set. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Zendikar’s Roil – I literally cannot think of a worse card to play with five mana in green. Troll Level: Sea Troll

Multicolored

  • Blazing Hellhound – Sacrificing creatures for fun and profit sounds like the least obvious draft strategy ever. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Blood-Cursed Knight – Clearly the highlight of our five-color enchantment deck. Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Bounding Krasis – I’m not sure what this is implying the point of blue/green is supposed to be? Tapping things? Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Citadel Castellan – The french-vanilla renown checklist expands to multi-color! Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Iroas’s Champion – In case you needed confirmation that red/white can’t defend. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Possessed Skaab – Mill yourself so you can combo, but no infinite combo shenanigans for you! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Reclusive Artificer – Keep putting those thopter tokens into play! Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Shaman of the Pack – Only play elves. Don’t play anything else. It’s the true elf way. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Thunderclap Wyvern – Here in blue/white we like flying. A lot. Don’t come here without wings. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll

  • Zendikar Incarnate – We get it. Zendikar has a land theme. Too bad there are no more actually decent ramp spells. Troll Level: Harrow

Artifacts

  • Alchemist’s Vial – The second ability is strictly in-case you don’t have the other dozen cards that make use of artifacts in play. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Alhammarret’s Archive – If you’re gaining life on purpose, doubling it isn’t going to help as much as you think. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Angel’s Tomb – Even white’s artifact creatures can’t defend anymore. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Bonded Construct – Let’s make Savannah Lion worse. No worries, this drawback doesn’t apply since white and red only attack these days. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Brawler’s Plate – Does not combo with Auramancer. Sad face. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Chief of the Foundry – Those thopter tokens become twice as strong and twice as tough when the Chief is around. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Gold-Forged Sentinel – Will make good sacrifice fodder in your red decks. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Guardian Automaton – Gain all the life you want. Double it. Doesn’t make it a good plan. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Guardians of Meletis – Considering these guardians have enormous weapons I would have expected their power to be slightly greater than zero. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Hangarback Walker – With Chief of the Foundry this is actually better if it dies. If only you could sacrifice it somehow… Troll Level: Uthden Troll

  • Helm of the Gods – Just watch out for Heliod’s lice. Seriously. Wash that thing out before you wear it. Troll Level: Scabies
  • Jayemdae Tome – This is a three-card combo with Alhammarret’s Archive and losing the game. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Mage-Ring Responder – Seven mana used to be such a great amount of mana and now it’s basically a spot-removal spell. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Meteorite – Direct damage and mana production. Have two less similar abilities ever gone together before? Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Orbs of Warding – Very good defense against an army of thopter tokens, but not much else. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Prism Ring – At least we didn’t have to put up with a whole cycle of color-specific life-gain artifacts. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll

  • Pyromancer’s Goggles – Fork a spell once-per-turn. What could go wrong? Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Ramroller – This is actually the name of my 80’s glam-rock cover band. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Runed Servitor – What do you mean my opponent gets a card too? No, I didn’t read it properly. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Sigil of Valor – Way to sneak Exalted into the set as a nod to Bant. Very sneaky design team. Very sneaky. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Sword of the Animist – Oh, it’s Rampant Growth. For a flavor bonus you can actually equip this to Nissa for profit. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Throwing Knife – You get to attack and throw the knife? This really should have had a tap-activation. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Veteran’s Sidearm – Only +1/+1? I hate to see what they give the rookies. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • War Horn – It comes with a dead Boromir. Troll Level: Horn of Gondor

Lands

  • Battlefield Forge – Don’t play this color combination if you don’t want the coach to make you run suicides after you slacked off against Norway in an exhibition game. Troll Level: Again!
  • Caves of Koilos – These colors are the core of the five-color enchantment deck so I’m sure this card will wheel. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Evolving Wilds – Good for your three-color decks, so your opponent can get all pissy about how “lucky” you are to have all three colors available. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Forest #269 – John Avon is the best, but this is probably his worst forest. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Forest #270 – This tree is from a Robert Frost poem, I think. Troll Level: Sea Troll
  • Forest #271 – Ugh, this is probably Lorwyn. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Forest #272 – Any Zendikar land that isn’t full-art should be torn up and thrown away. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Foundry of the Consuls – It’s kind of strange that you have to sacrifice an entire foundry just to get two thopter tokens. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll

  • Island #257 – Finally, the set’s first overpowered card. Troll Level: Blue is Best
  • Island #258 – Oh wow, they really out-did themselves on the power level here. Troll Level: Ban Islands
  • Island #259 – I mean just look at that gorgeous mana symbol in the rules box. Troll Level: Why Play Other Colors
  • Island #260 – Development should be more careful printing this effect so frequently. Troll Level: Jace for President
  • Llanowar Wastes – A beautiful home for those beautifully racist elves. Troll Level: #notallelves
  • Mage-Ring Network – Hope this doesn’t get Demolished with a bunch of counters on it. Troll Level: Horned Troll

  • Mountain #265 – Can you spot whatever silly Easter egg Noah Bradley put in this art? Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Mountain #266 – It looks like Bradley may have forgotten to add mountains in the background until the last second. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Mountain #267 – So many mountains to choose from! Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Mountain #268 – Nice use of scale birds. A+. Troll Level: Uthden Troll
  • Plains #253 – Those are more like hills than plains and technically plains are flat. Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Plains #254 – Also not quite flat Michael Komarck. Can someone buy this guy a dictionary? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Plains #255 – What is this? Some kind of rocky outcropping? What is so hard about plains? Troll Level: Pygmy Troll
  • Plains #256 – Thankfully someone looked up what plains are before painting one. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Rogue’s Passage – Go go Goblin Piledriver! Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Shivan Reef – I used to own a playset of foil Shivan Reefs that I sold for $5 each and now I feel bad. Troll Level: Should Have Held onto Them
  • Swamp #261 – That looks awfully serene for black mana. Troll Level: Cudgel Troll
  • Swamp #262 – Ugh, it’s Lorwyn again, isn’t it. Troll Level: Shadowmoor is Better
  • Swamp #263 – That lone tree probably once flew a Confederate Flag. Troll Level: USA! USA! USA!
  • Swamp #264 – On Innistrad they have to build cemeteries pretty much everywhere. Troll Level: Horned Troll
  • Yavimaya Coast – Trees already have a lot of water in them so aren’t they inherently blue and green? Troll Level: Thankfully This is Over

The Quick Hits

  • Liam Casserly weighs in on the rules changes that will apply to Pro Tour Origins [MTG UK]
  • Paulo Vitor Damo da Rosa also has opinions on the mulligan adjustments [Channel Fireball]
  • A.E. Marling takes a look at the flavor behind Magic Origins [Gathering Magic]
  • Carlos Gutierrez opens up the new Magic board game: Arena of the Planeswalkers [Gathering Magic]
  • The Holiday Cube is back until July 22nd in case you missed playing Magic Online [Daily MTG]
  • James Arnold dives deeper than anyone before into the artwork of the basic island [Gathering Magic]
  • The voting for the 2015 Magic Pro Tour Hall of Fame is open and this year the community gets a vote as well [Daily MTG]
  • MJ Scott cosplays as the young pre-spark version of Liliana [Gathering Magic]
  • Frank Karsten applies mathematics to the new mulligan rule [Channel Fireball]
  • Mike Linnemann gets into the nitty-gritty of copyrights for artwork in the Magic world [Gathering Magic]
  • Magic Duels: Origins are finally here and there are some Dev Blogs to go with it [Daily MTG]

Wallpaper of the Week

I have to say I’m fairly happy for this look at Nissa. It has more skin than seems reasonable for a ranger-type character, but at least it isn’t the sexy-midriff version we last saw.

Grade: B

What We Learned is a weekly feature here at Hipsters of the Coast written by former amateur Magic Player Rich Stein, who came really close to making day two of a Grand Prix on several occasions. Each week we will take a look at the past seven days of major events, big news items, and community happenings so that you can keep up-to-date on all the latest and greatest Magic: the Gathering community news.

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