Hey everyone. Glad you could all make it on such short notice.
Our friends from Corporate will be listening in on conference, so please enunciate clearly!
Well, as I’m sure you all know, prerelease was a huge success. Fantastic work, everyone. Really shows what a group of humans, birds, orcs, and middle managers can accomplish by working together. Knocked M15 right out of the water, and we really showed those assholes from Theros how to promote an interactive, fast-paced Limited format.
Land and artifacts crew? Really nice work. You guys are definitely the unsung heroes of any new set. Real team players. Heck, I’d think we’d all fall apart if you weren’t here.
And please remember to clean the second floor toilets after this meeting—I think someone had an accident there. Actually, you should probably just go and do that now.
Jetski. Love the whole Chinese samurai vibe. Great job, keep doing what you’re doing.
To be honest, I was little bit skeptical when I first heard about Delve. You know how I feel about mechanics that don’t destroy permanents or promote reckless aggression. Our players like it, though. It’s pretty sexy, in an understated, academic kind of way, just like snakes and drowning opponents in unbeatable card advantage.
Actually, if we could borrow some of your mechanics next set, that would be great.
Bear punch! Haha, great work Temur. Our social media team will make sure the Internet never forgets about how awesome punching bears is. Ever.
You know, at first I was a bit worried you guys would compete with us for the “play huge, awesome things for a lot of damage” niche that Mardu was really going for. But then I saw cards like Trap Essence and realized we actually had nothing to worry about. Thanks for looking out for us.
Abzan.
I love what you’re doing. Truly.
Our statistics show that your department is the most popular by a wide margin and boasts, well, a pretty high win rate. I think that might be part of the problem.
The new mechanic—outlast, right? Really great idea. Super flavorful. I don’t know about you, but when I’m 45 minutes into the mirror match and seriously contemplating grievous self-harm, I’m definitely feeling the whole “lost in the desert” vibe you guys were going for.
There’s nothing wrong with hiding behind defensive creatures like a pitiable, spineless wimp. But don’t you ever get the feeling that what you’re doing is a bit much? I mean, our players want a fast clan—our demographics data show that people actually enjoy finishing matches in 10 minutes and then spending the remainder of the round smoking outside while staring listlessly into the darkening sky.
I’d recommend a few minor tweaks for next time. Maybe reduce all of your toughnesses to one and give everyone haste? And while you’re at it, scrap all that lifelink business. We’re trying to promote a culture of agile development and team players. I mean, I didn’t lay $500,000 on this open floorplan office so the squad could sit in the backyard and play with rhinos all day.
Alright, fantastic meeting. Some really promising team synergy we’re showing here—I think Khans has the potential to be one of the best sets yet. Now grab some coffee and doughnuts from the break room! You all deserved it.
Tony’s the Hipster’s resident scrub, and Scrub Report is about exploring the weird, awesome world of Magic. Find him @tonyfmei.