Friends, Bromans, Countrydudes—
Well, it’s time. Time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, dissipating for, syncopating for … Part two of my GP Denver report from like two years ago or whatever! I’m sure you’ve been on the edge of your seat with anticipation as to how I fared. Well, not to spoil anything, but … let’s just say I made a little thing I like to call DAY TWO.
When last we left our hero (myself) at GP Denver 2012 I had just did one of the following things! Was it:
A) Won a grinder?
B) Bought a grinder?
C) Went to www.grinder.com?
If you answered “A” you are correct. If you answered “B,” in my dreams.
If you answered “C,” in your dreams.
For the actual GP I was still on my favorite deck of UB Tezzeret. It’s got planeswalkers (love ’em), counterspells (hate ’em), and lands that can tap for two mana (can’t live without ’em).
After my three byes from winning my grinder I began my epic quest to make day two starting with round four.
Round 4—Winston Churchill
Imagine my surprise when I sit down to play my match and sitting across from me is none other than dead ex-prime minister of Great Britain Winston Churchill. I lose the roll and keep a hand without a Force. Big mistake. Churchy proceeds to kill me turn one with the nut Charbelcher draw. Churchy WOULD be playing that deck. In between sideboarding he didn’t hesitate to talk a little smack, either:
“I say, old bean! What a thrashing you have just received by my ever-belching char of goblins! What say you to that?! Harrumph! Even Margaret Thatcher could proceed to reduce my life total from 20 to zero upon a rate faster than that which you had achieved!”
I debated on whether or not to call a judge but decided against it since I could only understand half of what he was saying anyway. After boarding in various cheap pieces of disruption I felt confident the matchup would begin to swing in my favor … and it did. I took game two and when it became clear in game three that he was going to lose, Churchy reluctantly extended the hand but bemoaned his luck after I topdecked a much needed Force of Will on turn two after he had seen my hand without one using a Gitaxian Probe on turn one.
“What ho! Were I not already dead I would have proceeded to thrash you once more most vociferously with mine belching char of gobbos! You had a most lucky happenstance to draw the required card from the upper portion of your deck upon the turn during which you required it! Would your mother have been in the general vicinity I would have proclaimed to engage in acts of a reproductory nature upon her thereby laying insult to your person! Good day sir. I SAID GOOD DAY.”
4-0
Round 5—Dane Cook
This round I was in for a total treat. Not only was my opponent on a deck that was a great matchup for me (Maverick) but he also happened to be my favorite standup comedian of all time, Dane Cook. Now for those of you who’ve been living in a cave, I want just be clear; I, Dylan Hiester, love Dane Cook. Like, I just love how he doesn’t even have to tell jokes to be funny, all he had to do is stand on stage and yell about whatever and I will laugh because everyone else is laughing and that’s what you’re supposed to do! Wow, what a treat.
“Hey Dane, it’s truly an honor to play you, man.”
“THANKS DYLAN!” he yells back.
I can barely contain my laughter.
I end up demolishing him but after the match he’s a great sport and tells me he has two extra tickets to Nickelback for that night that he wants me to have. Wow. It’s like you think you know someone and then they only get cooler.
5-0
Round 6—John Malkovich
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.
“Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.”
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich.
Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Force of Will.
6-0
Round 7—Al Capone
Now this was a weird round. Not only was it super unlikely to play two dead people in my first four rounds, but was even stranger was that Capone was also playing UB Tezzeret!
After winning the roll and playing a turn two Tezzeret, Capone had a turn two Tezzeret of his own!
“Mehh see, you’re not the only one with planeswalkers around here! Meh!”
But unfortunately for Al, he who Tezzerets first loses the game last, if you catch my Tokyo drift. After pulling too far ahead for Al to catch up it was all over and we moved to sideboard for game two.
“Mehh Heister, you never take me to zero life after sideboarding Copper mehh!”
As the mirror match went on it seemed to me that I had two advantages. One was that I was simply the better player as I was just more familiar with my deck. Also I was not a dead person. A few turns and “mehs!” later and I had won the match.
7-0
Woooo!!! At this point I was so stoked to be a lock for day two that I decided to be really nice and concede my next two rounds to help others get in as well! As fate would have it I played the Olsen twins—Mary-Kate and Ashley, respectively—in rounds eight and nine. The weird thing was is they weren’t even playing the same deck! What is this, poker? Talk about a full house!
Please stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of my report which will come out in a year or five, where I discuss my day two matches and you find out if I won the whole thing!
Spoiler alert: I didn’t!
P.S. Nickelback killed it that night! Thanks Dane!